When I was seven my greatest ambition was to fly. I practiced every day in my backyard, jumping off things – willing myself to take flight, unfazed when gravity would pull me to the ground.
At night I'd dream I was flying, waking with the sensation of the wind against my skin, exhilarated. The feeling was so visceral, I truly believed I could fly.
I've carried this blind faith with me into adulthood. I guess it's safe to say that I've always had outlandish aspirations.
I'm a dreamer, a diehard optimist, a believer in magic, and some would say, stubborn as fuck.
Maybe that's why it's taken me 43 years of financial struggle to finally surrender to the possibility that I may not actually be capable of creating the big beautiful life I've imagined for myself. After–all, I never did learn how to fly, even though I believed it was possible.
Maybe... I had it all wrong.
What if I was never going to achieve the life of my dreams?
That was a devastating thought.
But it didn't stop there... what if I wasn't capable, what if my dream life wasn't even a part of my greater purpose, what if all my failures were actually an indication that I was on the wrong path, heading in the wrong direction?
How could all of this have never occurred to me before?! And what the fuck was I going to do now?!
This thought process was the beginning of the most profound Ego death I've ever experienced. I spent four months spiralling into a painful stream of negativity (as a diehard optimist, negativity and I haven't spent much time together so I was in unfamiliar territory). Old berating thought patterns were creeping up to the surface, I found myself sinking into a mild depression, overcome with apathy.
I knew nothing, I had no answers, the heartache of letting go of the life I longed for was debilitating, and curling up on the floor bawling wasn't clarifying anything. How had I arrived at this place? I couldn't even remember how I used to feel. Was this really my life?
All I wanted to do was sleep. Deep transformations can be exhausting.
And then one night, during a full moon meditation on my living room floor (not bawling) while contemplating my challenging relationship with work and money – the root of most of my struggles, I suddenly saw a whole new perspective on my situation (perspectives really are everything, more on that here).
I've spent my entire adult life seeking work that was in alignment with my essence and would liberate me financially. But in the act of seeking I was constantly looking outside myself, reaching for this thing that was going to make me happy, that would bring me fulfillment.
We all know that doesn't work.
When I did find work I truly loved I never seemed capable of earning enough money to survive doing it, often having to work soul–sucking jobs on the side to fund my passions. This juggling act of trying to honour my heart's desire and make ends meet has been a relentless hustle. But I embraced that hustle just as tenaciously as my seven year old self embraced her dream to fly.
Thing is, I didn't realize I was focusing on what was missing in my life, on the lack of what I desired.
According to the Law of Attraction, our lives are constantly responding to the vibration of our thoughts and feelings. So if you're emitting the vibration of lack (unconsciously or not) then you can expect more lack to show up.
I've been studying the Law of Attraction for over a decade so this wasn't a revolutionary thought but I hadn't realized that my desire was actually an energetic beacon to the Universe – emitting a vibration of lack! In desiring what was missing, I was stating that I didn't have it.
What I needed to be doing instead was practicing loving the work I was already doing rather than looking outside myself for work that I could love.
This applies to any desire that isn't readily attainable, and the deeper and/or longer–held that desire is, the stronger the vibration of lack will be.
If you've been desiring a 'soulmate' or a baby or a house, and your desire isn't coming to fruition, consider the idea that you are actually emitting a very strong vibration of lack. You're basically screaming to the Universe that there's a big gaping hole in your life. And what do you think the vibrational match to that emptiness or dissatisfaction is? You got it, more emptiness, more dissatisfaction.
As long as you are looking outside of yourself for something to soothe you, as long as you are holding steadfast to a dream that still hasn't shown up, you're blocking it from arriving.
We've all heard the stories of couples who've tried to conceive for years, with no success, and as soon as they gave up and decided to adopt, they magically got pregnant. Or how many times have you heard someone say, "I was so happy on my own, I wasn't looking for a relationship at all" when they met their dream partner.
It is in letting go that we step into the divine flow of our lives, where everything shows up with ease.
So if there's something you deeply desire and you can't seem to attain it.... consider letting it go. Your tenacity isn't going to get you any closer to it, in fact, it'll only keep it at bay (this I've learned from experience).
It is in the act of embracing your life as it is, that all the magic shows up.
So I ask you this...
What if you couldn't achieve/acquire your one great desire?
What if it just wasn't in the cards for you?
I urge you to take some time and really consider this question, truly let it sink in.
How would you live your life differently from here on out if you knew without a doubt that you would/could never have that which you desire most?
This question changed everything for me. It was a lifetime in the making. I've been building dreams for as long as I can remember, I had no idea how to live without them. To let them go had never been an option. They were my hope, my heart, and all my yearnings rolled into one big beautiful vision.
But with this simple question, I embarked on a four month journey of letting go, dissolving my identity along the way. Casting my dreams to the wind and practicing appreciating what was actually right in front of me – learning how to truly be in the here and now.
Then one night, laying on my living room floor with the full moon beaming outside, I felt a gentle shift, like the last string tying me to my past self, had been cut, and I realized it wasn't my dreams that I'd been setting free, it was me.